I found this snapshot of Reese and me on a website, it was taken at a women’s conference sponsored by our church. Some pictures capture the mood of the moment. this one certainly does. I wonder if the photographer knew the bazillion thoughts that were racing though my mind as I sat in deep reflection holding my little girl.
How can I help her find her talents? Her gifts? Her happiness? How can I do that when I am unsure about my own?
It is not that I feel sorry for myself, especially when I have a husband who responds to my question of “Why me?” with “Why not you?” At times I feel more like a brick wall then a person, empty emotionally and physically acting only on auto-pilot to get through the week.
I put my mind and heart into Alexander getting him where he is now, scoring above his age level for both receptive and expressive speaking, and still there is an incredible responsibility and urgency hovering over my head to teach Reese…everything, beginning with listening and speaking. There is a long road ahead.
My problem stems from losing touch with the Holy Spirit. I have given up on praying with a purpose, because I lack the faith that it really works. It is my own character flaw that puts me in this state of mind. How could I feel so emotionally detached and ungrateful when I really should be thanking my Heavenly Father for all of my blessings? I feel let down. The plan was to have a healthy, hearing baby girl. It would be so much easier. For most people, that just happens. When ‘the plans’ change I don’t do well. Kicking my feet until the original ‘plan” is back in order. My parents can attest to that.
Whether I like what I was dealt or not I have to move on and live. I know I have many weaknesses, some are more obvious then others but my Heavenly Father does not. He is perfect. So by staying close to Him, how ever that may be, I will find the help that I need to feel alive again and make my weaknesses my strengths.
I am sorry! This is really hard. But you know where to turn so it will all turn out for the best! But I am still sorry you have to hurt so much!
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post. Thank you for being so honest and open about your feelings. I too am the type to "kick against the pricks" when I feel like I'm dealt something I don't deserve. You are so strong and smart and reading all about Alexander makes think like Jon..why not you? I don't think there is anyone who could be a better mother to those two beautiful children. I am constantly amazed at the strength you don't think you have. You are an inspiration and I thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteThank you Monica for sharing. I too have felt this season of life, has found me doubting, uninspired, and unwilling to seek the spirit. I feel close in my relationships to my family but far away in my heavenly relationships. I don't pretend to know what it is like in your shoes- but I want you to know, you are not alone- not that that helps- but I think you are a phenomenal person. I always have. I know that God has given you special and specific talents to bless the lives of others including your children. You have been a blessing to my life. You were the first person who ever invited me to church- thanks for that. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are loved.
Kim
Go, Team Monica. You did it before - you can do it again. Of that, I have no doubt.
ReplyDeletethough our challenges are not the same, every mother goes through similar feelings, humbly recognizing a sense of inadequacy in the face of trials. you, however, reveal your strength in expressing this so beautifully; you reveal your strength in what you have accomplished already; and ultimately you reveal your real strength by acknowledging your source of strength! sometimes a sense of detachment from that source--our wise and loving Heavenly Father--is what we need to yearn for that sweet closeness again and to become acutely aware of how very much we need Him. you are amazing and an inspiration to struggling mothers everywhere, wise wonderful monica! glad you have jon on your team too! he is inspired to respond and support you as he does! love ya! {i echo your mom: go team monica!}
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